By Zee:
Darling, when I said 2025 would be chaotic, I didn’t mean this level of chaos! While the rest of us were trying to figure out what to wear to the next “all-white with a touch of gold” soirée, Donald J. Trump was busy doing what he does best – stirring the pot with a heavy hand and zero seasoning. And this time, the tea spilled right into the lush hills of our beloved Eswatini.
Yes, sweethearts, your eyes do not deceive you. The former (and somehow current again) U.S. president has turned Eswatini into the world’s newest deportation destination. No, not for African migrants. These latest exports are from Vietnam, Laos, Cuba, Yemen, and Jamaica – and none of them has ever sipped magwinya at Mbabane Market, okay?
According to U.S. Homeland Security’s Tricia McLaughlin, the deportees were so scandalously bad that their own countries ghosted the U.S. government.
“This flight took individuals so uniquely barbaric that their home countries refused to take them back,” she wrote on X (formerly Twitter, now Elon’s playground).
A bit dramatic? Maybe. But not nearly as dramatic as the U.S. quietly shipping people off like they’re returning bad deliveries. Tricia called them “depraved monsters” convicted of heinous crimes. Murder. Assault. Child rape. Yikes! Not the guest list we’d expect for a visit to the Kingdom, but here we are.
Enter King Mswati III – Our, unexpected host
Now, babes, you know King Mswati isn’t exactly known for throwing open the gates to outsiders. But suddenly, Eswatini is playing international hotelier for America’s “don’t want ‘em, can’t keep ‘em” list? Interesting.
The Eswatini government confirmed the arrival of the not-so-VIP guests, with a prim and polished statement saying this came after “months of robust high-level engagements.” Ahem. Translation? Someone got paid or promised something juicy.
“As a responsible member of the global community… due process and respect for human rights is followed,” said spokesperson Mdluli.
Mmmkay, sis. But this is the same Eswatini where protesters got clapped with rubber bullets and worse in 2021. So when you say “human rights,” we raise an eyebrow and sip our tea slowly.
Fast & furious deportation edition
If this were a movie, it would be Fast and the Furious: Exile Drift. Because let me tell you, these deportations are happening with the speed of gossip at a wedding. According to a leaked memo (yes, girl, a memo), ICE can deport people with as little as six hours’ notice. That’s barely enough time to do edges, let alone file a court appeal! And the memo reportedly says no need to confirm whether the host country will torture the deportees. Just vibes. And exigent circumstances.
Money talks. Justice walks
Did someone say diplomatic deals over dinner? The U.S. once allegedly paid $6 million to El Salvador to babysit deportees in their creepy-sounding Terrorism Confinement Centre—imagine a prison so bleak, even your worst ex wouldn’t belong there.
Now the same pattern seems to be unfolding in Eswatini. But what’s in it for the Kingdom? Aid? A palace spa extension? A shiny new Rolls for the royal fleet? We may never know—but babes, Zee has her suspicions.
Power abuse?
Even U.S. Supreme Court Justices are fuming. Justice Sonia Sotomayor dropped a 19-page diss track in legal form, calling the whole thing a “gross abuse of power.”
“The Government has made clear in word and deed that it feels itself unconstrained by law…” she wrote, practically wagging her gavel.
The court’s conservative majority didn’t flinch. They gave the green light for deportations to resume – because why not add more fuel to an already smoldering fire?
Eswatini: Africa’s new deportee drop-off?
From zero to front-row in Trump’s foreign policy mess, Eswatini just found itself in a global spotlight it definitely didn’t order.
“The Kingdom of Eswatini and the United States… have enjoyed fruitful bilateral relations spanning over five decades,” the government cooed.
That’s cute. But what’s the real story, hun? Are we now the clearinghouse for controversial convicts? Or just a convenient scapegoat in America’s immigration tantrum?
Final sip
Zee’s verdict? This whole drama is giving an international scandal, a human rights cliffhanger, and a dash of “don’t quote me but…”. Eswatini may claim this was a noble diplomatic gesture – but babes, behind every polished press release is a deal signed in whispered conversations over champagne flutes.
So next time you spot a suspicious new face in Ezulwini, don’t stare – just know your kingdom is part of Trump’s latest political chessboard. Stay messy, stay watching.-@NewsSA_Online
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