By Zee:
Babes. If melodrama were a musical genre, then the 2025 Standard Bank Joy of Jazz launch was a full-blown opera, staged in a wine bar, catered with pastries, and wrapped in exactly one centimetre of black carpet.
Yes, you read that right. ONE. CENTIMETRE. A bathroom mat pretending to be a runway. Who signed off on that nonsense?
Let’s talk venue: The Artistry – Ma’am, more “hipster influencer hub” than “pan-African jazz sanctum.” All gloss, no groove. The jazz legends were perched awkwardly on bar stools, champagne flutes trembling in their hands as the aircon struggled for relevance. The mood? Confused. The lighting? Brutal. The vibe? A boozy Sunday brunch with sound problems. Honestly, jazz royalty deserves chandeliers, not cocktails in jam jars.
Now, onto the sightings. I literally bumped into Berita, looking like she’d fought off three deadlines and a heartbreak. She was lovely, but tired – the kind of tired that no glam team can hide. Phinda Mtya, unbothered and dressed to snatch, moved through the crowd like she had a security detail (she didn’t). Then, in full bloom – Nicky B, Kaya FM’s first lady, floating around like she owned the copyright to every song played that night. And maybe she does. We love a matriarchal mystery.
Oh, you won’t believe who showed up at the Joy of Jazz launch – none other than Bongani Bingwa himself, looking every bit the media royalty he is. Radiating that unmistakable 702 charm, Bingwa was spotted mingling with the who’s who of the entertainment scene. He stole the spotlight without even trying, effortlessly blending journalistic gravitas with suave sophistication.
But wait – the real gag? Who wasn’t there?
No Thandiswa. No Zonke. And hallelujah – no Vusi Nova or Mandisi either. Finally, the organisers decided to book actual jazz instead of genre-hopping crowd-pleasers. Someone lit a sage stick and cleared the musical confusion, because this year’s line-up? Honey. It. Slaps.
But before we get to the headliners, let’s take a moment to appreciate the woman of the hour: Mantwa Chinoamadi, CEO and face of flawless event execution. With a jawline that could slice prosciutto and a glow so radiant it made the venue lighting look offensive, she floated through the crowd like the Beyoncé of band managers. Is she drinking collagen? Jazz? The blood of smooth-sounding legends? Whatever it is – I want it bottled. And let’s give flowers to Helga, the PR queen the behind-the-scenes powerhouse who deserves her own damn headline making sure every mic was on and every ego off.
Now, the line-up: It’s not just global – it’s intergalactic. We’re talking Esperanza Spalding, glowing with Grammys. Thandi Ntuli, bringing the fire with Blk Elijah & The Children of Moroë.
Jazzmeia Horn, Gabi Motuba and the ever-epic Steve Dyer with a literal choir.
Ma’am, this isn’t a concert – it’s a spiritual rebirth in four stages.
Mark it down and circle it with glitter: 26-28 September 2025, Sandton International Convention Centre, Johannesburg. A three-day, four-stage jazz invasion of the richest square mile in Africa. And let me tell you – tickets are moving like fake lashes in a Sandton salon on payday. Faster than a TikTok dance trend. Hot cakes? No sweetie – think Louis Vuitton sample sale. If you don’t have yours yet, get on your knees and pray to Computicket.
But now… let me spill the real tea:
The crowd this year? Money. Old money. Quiet money. Custom-suit money.
The “toppies with heavy pockets” are assembling. And these aren’t your uncle’s golf buddies. These are the kind of gents who bring their own whisky, ask for Perrier by name, and haven’t touched tap water since 2002. They travel with drivers, flirt with sommeliers, and won’t queue unless it’s for caviar.
They’re coming in for the hospitality lounges, the velvet-rope exclusivity. You didn’t hear it from me, but a certain Joburg mogul is reportedly flying in Nduduzo Makhathini for an intimate garden set. In Houghton. At midnight. With candlelight. I’m clutching my pearls just typing this.
So what’s the takeaway?
✔️ No fake jazz.
✔️ No limp sausage rolls.
✔️ No filler acts booked for likes.
Just real music, real money, and real women running the show behind the scenes – like bosses in heels.
So start manifesting that Weekend Pass – because the 2025 Joy of Jazz isn’t just a festival. It’s a lifestyle flex with a saxophone soundtrack.
Until next time – stay jazzy, stay shady, and if you didn’t hear it from Zee, sweetie… you’re hearing it late. – @NewsSA_Online
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