By Zee:
BABES. Where do I even begin? Friday night at the Sandton Convention Centre was less a comedy show and more a live political exorcism. The Roast of Helen Zille, courtesy of Showmax and the Laugh Africa Comedy Festival, delivered drama, danger, and a disturbing lack of actual celebrities.
Yes, I was there looking unbothered, overdressed, and ever-messy. Let’s unpack this hot, navy-blue mess.
The celebs who weren’t there
First red flag? The red carpet had more cameras than it had famous people. Unless you count Lasizwe, who was flapping around the venue like a lost extra from Lockdown. I saw more Showmax interns than A-listers. It felt like a family reunion for background actors and production runners. Where were the celebs, hun?!
Fashion? or national crisis?
The men on the roast panel were giving… Cabinet meeting at 9, roast at 8. Navy suits, stiff collars, shoes that squeaked louder than the jokes. Y’all looked like you were waiting for Ramaphosa to sign your permission slips.
Then, Patricia de Lille, Lord bless her, came dressed for a Ndebele Christmas party in July. Aunty tripped, hit the ground, injured her knee, but still served face like nothing happened. A warrior. A tinsel-wrapped phoenix. But fashion? Eish.
And Londie London? That dress made her look like she was auditioning to be the first lady of a shebeen. Love you, sis, but fire that stylist with holy water.
The comedy or lack thereof
Trevor Gumbi arrived channeling Hannibal Lecter in a white jumpsuit and mask. High concept, low delivery. I didn’t know whether to laugh or call security. Tumi Morake tried to balance the chaos in a red gown that screamed “Emperor’s Ball”, but even she couldn’t save the vibe. Their chemistry? Colder than Joburg in June.
Sizwe Mpofu-Walsh read his jokes like he was reciting Helen Zille’s CV for a UN conference. Monotone. Academic. Cringe. Not a giggle in sight. At one point, Helen Zille actually fell asleep. Yes. The roastee took a nap mid-performance. I nearly screamed.
JJ Tabane walked onto that stage like Madiba in slow motion. Did he think this was a eulogy? I’m sorry, but if “awkward energy” was a person… JJ wore it like cologne.
The saviours
Now listen here – just when I was about to fake a phone call and leave, Zwai Bala said: “Hold my mic.” This man tore into the panel like he’d been saving up grievances since Y2K. The jokes were sharp, savage, and scandalous. He touched them on their studio. We howled.
Surprisingly, Londie London, despite her “mamkhulu at a christening” look, delivered some heavy hitters too. She came alive. The spirit of Roast possessed her, and she delivered.
And then… Loyiso Gola stepped in like a comedic Messiah. Vintage. Unscripted. Untouchable. Jokes so fresh they smelled like Woolies brioche. Representing black excellence with his usual lazy genius charm. I wanted to throw my shoe on stage in respect.
Magogo zille: The final boss
And finally – the woman of the night. Helen Freakin’ Zille. Whew. She didn’t flinch. She didn’t fold. She didn’t even blink at the mess around her. Sis got up there and annihilated the panel like a pensioner with overdue Twitter beef. She roasted them back with the wisdom of a wine aunt and the rage of a former Premier. Say what you want – Magogo cooked.
The afterparty… or afterthought?
I snuck into the exclusive “afterparty” across the road at The Sky Hotel – hosted by none other than Magogo Zille. Babes. It was giving… R350 buffet. I was the only black person in the room besides Celeste Ntuli, who became the accidental emcee, telling jokes non-stop like a township Oprah. Helen? Lipstick smudged, eyes wide open, still sipping like the night had just started.
Zee’s final verdict?
Rating: 4 out of 5 broken heels.
The show? A chaotic masterpiece. The comedy? Hit or hilariously miss. The fashion? War crimes. But did I laugh? Yoh yes. Did I scream? Constantly. Did I live? Baby, I’m still recovering.
Catch the Roast on Showmax from May 16, and please, next time? Give us celebs, not committee members.
Helen Zille talks about her Roast outfit: (click) Roast Outfit
Until next time, lovers of drama. I’m Zee – too fabulous to be backstage, too loud to be ignored. – @NewsSA_Online
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